Beyond Paralysis and Fear

Fearful is an understatement. Paralyzed is a more accurate description of how I have lived my life. I’ve been so afraid of making mistakes, of taking the wrong path, of putting myself out there, trying, risking, adventuring. Every step has been safe, calculated, plausible with a high level of success expected.

The reasons why I am this way goes deep. It has been a long and painful process of uncovering expectations, learned internal messages, and family patterns. At times I want to blame, but it does no good in the end. All I can do now is acknowledge, accept, and move forward. The fear does not immediately go away. It takes hard work and effort to take steps that counter the existence of no’s and not possibles, worst-case scenario, waiting for the other shoe to drop messages and habits of being. It is hard, painful, unnatural, anything but second nature. At times it hurts and requires all the effort I can muster to move into new opportunities, possibilities, and ways of being.

Why do I do it? Why do I subject myself to this type of internal conflict, emotional, mental, relational, and physical pain? I do it for me. For my family. For my son. For a better future. I cannot live in this dark and hopeless hole anymore. Life is bigger and is meant to be filled with great and wonderful things, but I will never experience them if I don’t come out of my cave. I might be safe hiding in fear, but that is not living. The light does not shine deep in a cave of safety.

I live for the ocean, for the warmth of the sun on my skin, for wild adventures through ancient forests, evening conversations with friends over smoldering remains of a once blazing fire. I live for the tickled laughs, the ringlets adorning his head, the late-night snuggles, and the smile on his face. I live for me who never had these moments and deserves to experience such joy and life. I do it to give myself and opportunity to live and experience the things I was never given.