Why I Never Started: Reflections On Procrastination

“If we wait until we are ready, we will be waiting the rest of our life.” — Lemony Snicket

I’m too flawed and damaged. I will never be good enough. I have too many issues — too much sh*t to work through. My marriage is hard. My house is a mess. I struggle to maintain my dream morning routine, diet, exercise regimens. My life feels like a mess. My website isn’t good enough. My branding is inconsistent. I don’t have the right images or look. My Instagram feed isn’t beautifully curated. How could I ever help anyone? Why would anyone want to work with me?

 These questions can come at me in a relentless loop in my mind. I want everything to be perfect and in place before I start. I want all the systems to be in order, my life to be on cue, have the perfect marriage, and be the image of what I stand for and teach. 

 The reality is, I feel so far from it so much of the time. It’s not that I don’t full-heartedly believe in what I preach, I do, but my life isn’t always the perfect example of it. Sometimes I feel like an imposter if I put myself out there as a life and health coach, yet I struggle with my own health issues, or have a fight with my husband, or don’t have the homeschool mom routine down pat. 

 How can I offer advice and give input into others' lives when I have issues of my own? I don’t have everything figured out, and I’m not the poster child of happiness and success, so why would anyone trust me?

These are the voices in my head that keep me immobilized. Fear paralyzes me. What will people think? Will they see through it? Am I a fake? I’ve believed the lie for so long — that I don’t have anything to offer and don’t have any value unless I have my sh*t together. You know, the perfect marriage relationship, mom of the year award, and three healthy home-cooked meals on the table in a perfectly cleaned house. 

For some, it’s easy to start something new, to dive right in, take the risk, and be vulnerable, but for others, it's paralyzing. We put it off, delay, make excuses, talk the big talk and dream the big dreams, but never take action. More often than not the struggle to start is in our own heads. I know it’s the case for me.

I have this cyclical internal dialogue going on, these stories I tell myself. I’m the reason I keep stopping, stalling, or never starting. It’s my own expectations, defeating negative thoughts and messages I grew up with, comparison, perfectionism, the list goes on.  

It’s been a slow and bumpy road that’s taken a lot of personal, internal work (and some setbacks along the way) — getting counseling, going on retreats, researching, and trying to perfect the outside appearance instead of working on the real hard stuff. It took accountability and putting my money where my mouth is to really get the process started..

I came across a quote on Instagram a while ago, but unfortunately, I can’t find the source and exact phrasing. The gist of it is:

“We will never be ready to start and even when we do it is often those who struggle with the very thing that they are trying to help with who will help the most. If your heart is to help the broken-hearted, you have suffered through many a broken heart. If your heart is for the depressed, it is because you have the compassion and understanding of one who struggles with depression.”

This came as a much-needed encouragement. We will never be perfect. There will always be problems and struggles. We’re doing a disservice to withhold what we do have by waiting to be perfect. There’s always someone who can use what we have, the compassion and empathy our experience brings, even in our flaws and pain. 

 This year I am learning to trust this truth and walk into more of what I stand for. I am flawed, my life is messy, but I am full of compassion, care, and have a desire to give what I have.

 “If you wait until you are ready, it is almost certainly too late.” — Seth Godin