Pain, Loss, and Grief

I have learned more about life this year than in the past 32 years. 2020 has been brutal. It has been a year of suffering in body, relationships, finances, trauma, loss and grief, and in Spirit. Pain has become my teacher and I desperately want to run from it. At times I do not know how much more I can endure. My harshest critic has come out berating myself for my failures- my inability to meet life’s long derived expectations. I am becoming more human.

I feel the pain and see the suffering. The illusions are waning and the fog is lifting. I lean in when I can, but am constantly tempted to flee, and sometimes I do. I choose the easy, choose the comfortable, and choose the familiar where there might be less felt pain. Sometimes I choose to remain numb, but I know I can’t and don’t want to live this way forever. I do not feel whole. I feel shattered, but there is hope in the depths. There is only one way up. I am choosing to move forward in the pain in hopes of finding beauty, peace, and love.

Grief cracks you open. It tears you apart. The tears come. My eyes are open. I see the pain. I feel the sorrow that exists in the world. I must live. I must dance. For him. I must open to love. Live with courage. Find the beauty in every day. I must sing. Do art. Cook with presence. Love with passion. You give me a reason for more through the pain. I don’t want to be alone- without love. Let the grief open you. Let in the feelings. Do not hide from it. Allow it to change me. To transform me. To soften me. Let it make me an artist. Lead me to peace and to stillness. Let kindness win. Live until the end. Embrace the life given and find the beauty. Give excessively. Give it all you got. Go. Do. Be. Make life beautiful for others. Show him the joy. Show him the beauty.